7 times 70 times

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked "Lord, how many times should I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered "I tell you, not seven times, but seven times seventy times." - Matthew 18, 21-22 

:) I dunno if you're the kind of person to start a check list to make sure you forgive the people in your life exactly 490 times.... x) what Jesus meant to say is clearer when looking past the numbers - he wants us to never stop forgiving. That is a high, high ambition, especially cuz for me the big battle is not really forgiving the 324th time, but actually, in the heavy cases, the first time. What should I do when I'm convinced I can't forgive at all?

This is a really hard topic. :/ ..and there's no easy answer to it cuz I don't know about you, but I know what it's like to be hurt, to feel deceived, violated, disappointed so badly that forgiving seems the LAST thing coming to my mind. I'm convinced that if God knows anything about us humans, he's aware that forgiving will seem impossible for us in way too many cases to make it 7x70 with everyone. Where should we take this grace from, when we hate someone or something someone has done (or is still doing) so badly?...The Bible says that God won't forgive us our sins if we don't forgive others. I've thought about that many times...and there's this voice inside me saying God, by all means, that is not fair.
But I think we often have a misconception of what forgiveness is. Forgiveness is not the alternative to justice. It actually doesn't even have much to do with the person who hurt me. It's about MY heart, my soul, my restoration. Time can bury wounds under oblivion and dust, but time cannot heal. HEALING means that it's cleansed and repaired. And that can only begin when I choose to forgive. 

Here's why...

When someone hurts us they inevitably leave a mark on us, and that stays. Whenever we see the mark, we're reminded of that person, so basically the person stays with us. The people who've hurt you are locked to you with an invisible chain. You drag them around with you, wherever you go - day and night. Sometimes you can ignore them, other times their presence will drive you insane. Forgiving means tearing that chain apart. Letting the person go. For a moment we might feel that isn't fair because now they're free when they actually deserve an ugly prison. But the truth is that by holding onto their guilt, YOU are in that prison so much more. The moment you forgive, you break the power they've had over you. You are freed...

About the question of not being able to forgive.....I think everyone has that :) this one thing (or maybe more), the corpse down in my depths, my untouchable spot that feels like forgiveness will never have a chance. I know I do...and when I just THINK about "letting go", my stomach turns. I can't. This is MY pain. And I have a RIGHT to hold onto it. I have a right to be angry, to keep my wall built up. I have a right to be suspicious, to never trust again. I have a right to NOT forgive.

I think the I can't is pretty accurate. I can't. You can't. You can't let go of a situation or a person just like that. The ONLY thing that can bring us to the point that we want to let go and let healing in, is when we receive the unbelievable forgiveness for all the crap WE've done. Whoever hasn't met and breathed in the grace of Jesus, HOW do they want to forgive in return? Lots of people think they've forgiven cuz they tell themselves they did and it doesn't really hurt anymore because time has sort of covered it. So why is forgiveness locked to God?.... REAL forgiveness, real healing is only in the hands of the healer. And if time as a healer turns out to be a flop, where will healing come from?..

God knows pretty well that we're incapable of forgiving on our own. That's why he's going to do almost all of it for us. HE wants to break the chain between you and what's hurting you. But, as in all cases, he won't force you to let go of your pain. I think in many cases the fact that we're still hurting is because we aren't WILLING to leave it with God. I have a RIGHT to be hurt now. I am so much like that.. But what changes my heart again and again and makes me capable of forgiving is one intense look at Jesus. God himself...... WHO has the bigger right to destroy everything, to kill us, to pay us back? We have hurt him so, so badly.......we have broken his heart - do you know that? The gigantic paradox is that he NEVER stops forgiving. :) He forgives everything. Do you know what that means? EVERYTHING? Anything a human could commit can be healed because God chose to make this offer unlimited.... :)) God knows that our hearts need forgiveness and that we're in need of forgiving others ourselves. He doesn't want to teach us a hard, cruel lesson. He tells us to forgive because he wants us to HEAL....

To be able to forgive, I need to admit that I HAVE been hurt....God does not expect you to belittle your pain.....That is really really important. Most people run away from the word forgiveness because they think it means saying It wasn't that bad. Or It's fine now, I got over it. You know, GOD is the last person to tell you to get over something and move on. His definition of forgiveness means allowing the pain to BE pain, allowing everything to be real - the anger, the whole depth of the wound. And realizing I HAVE been hurt. The worst thing you can do is deny. God wants you to be honest. He knows the truth... :) Forgiving does not mean you're saying it wasn't bad...or that there won't be any scars and that "everything will be alright"...maybe you'll be scarred for the rest of your life. In some things I think that I will be. But Jesus can start healing me when I hand it to him...and only then. And one day, he will heal EVERYTHING, completely, and forever. :)) Don't believe that by holding onto your pain you can in any way pay your violator back. A false conclusion, you're blocking healing out of your life.... One of Satan's most beloved schemes though - more pain through pain.
Forgiving means giving it to God..... :) THAT is the only thing that will set you free. You can trust him with your pain. Hand it to him, speak it out. Including your hatred, your bitterness, your walls.... God will react. When you choose to forgive, you'll find Jesus getting up before the end, in your place, and demanding justice for you. No one is going to get away with anything... That is why you are FREE to forgive. :)

Healing is not a fairytale, it exists. And it's so close, in your reach. You don't need to feel strong or "ready" to forgive. No one has that strength...God will give you what it takes to make it right.
More than 7 times 70 times...(: