Glances

...I haven't shared anything on here for a long time, which has several reasons.. And somehow the longer the silence, the harder it is to continue writing.. But today I really felt the urge to write again, sometimes inspiration does knock on my door unexpectedly... :)

When I went to my former church some weeks ago, I think it was only for one reason. At least in backsight.. I had to be there that Sunday to hear one specific sentence that was bound to confront me with something big. At the end of the service the pastor spoke a blessing, which happens in many churches, and I've heard a LOT of these sending-you-out-for-the-week-blessings. But this one struck me. Or, to be more exact, one of the sentences totally collided with my inside.

"May God bless you ...... so that others feel comfortable under your view."

For some reason that was the ultimate WAKING UP moment of the entire morning - I have no idea what the rest of the Sunday was about... It struck me. I know a lot about how I'm supposed to act, what I'm supposed to think, or what I'm allowed to think...I know many of the lines that I'm not supposed to cross - for my own good - that I do cross on a regular basis and then feel miserable about it. But somehow I had NEVER - in all my 18 years of reflecting things down to the microscopic level of the case - spent a thought on what my face looks like what I look at people...and, going down to the root of this, I never really thought about the fact that a glance, my eyes - your eyes, OUR eyes - put our judgement right there on the table, black on white.

Judgement.

Another one of those bad bad words - no, of course I don't judge others... x)) I do. But somehow I always thought that people wouldn't exactly see this. I don't know why I never spent a thought on it. The larger thought, however, was leading me into a different direction. The opposite direction, namely the reason the pastor said these words at all. The fact that we can do GOOD by the way we look at others. The truth that I don't even have to speak to encourage, to trigger a smile in someone's life. To love. Our eyes do the job for us...But how often do I walk through town, through school, through church, using my eyes only to observe, to suck in, to throw angry glances at injustice or totally lost gazes at people who might just be in need of a smile...?

The sentence encourages me. I feel like hardly anything in the past months has stayed with me as much as this. ...Basically, there are two options to every encounter: you either leave the person you met - with your eyes, or with your words - encouraged, or discouraged. Built up inside, or broken down a tiny bit more. I'm aware that not all our encounters SEEM that meaningful, that often things are totally superficial, or rushed, or merely without a lot of feelings - but it leaves some mark, no matter how small, you'll have an aftertaste of some sort after every encounter. And what I find amazingly ENCOURAGING, and it has actually made me happy, is that we have the ability, I could almost say the power, to do good in this drowning chaos every day. You don't need to go to your bank and send millions to Africa to be a benefactor. The glances you shower your world with are the beauty you are adding to it, or taking away...

I felt shocked at first, because I realized that perhaps people didn't feel comfortable under my usually rather critical, examining, *inwardly shaking my head because things are so lame* view.. :) Nowadays, somehow the sentence I heard that morning comes back to me like switching on a light every time I notice that someone seems to cringe and hide away after exchanging glances with me. I've started noticing reactions, they are like a mirror to what my face must be saying.. But more than that, I've been reminded that it's up to me to shine out into the world with loving glances, with eyes of acceptance, of understanding, maybe merely of interest and kindness....I've realized that a gigantic part of what we feel the atmosphere between us humans is, lies in the way we look at each other. And what our eyes are saying, without speaking a single word....

I want to start sowing self-consciousness into people's hearts, instead of showing them that I perhaps disagree with their personal taste - which is actually so irrelevant.. I want to encourage you to start spreading happiness with the way that your eyes rest on the individuals around you.... :) My experience is that I become happier myself, the reactions I get to a perhaps totally random yet honest "I am not your enemy but perhaps a potential friend"-glance at a stranger, gives me back so, so much....

:)

"Your faith has saved you..."

I have something to share about God's character.....take a moment to read this passage... :)

Now one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, so he went to the Pharisee's house and lay down at the table. When a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town heard that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume, and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them. When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, "If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is - that she is a sinner." Jesus answered him, "Simon, I have something to tell you." "Tell me, teacher", he said. "Two men owed money to a certain money-lender. One owed him 500 denarii, and the other 50. Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he cancelled the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?" Simon replied, "I suppose the one who had the bigger debt cancelled." "You have judged correctly", Jesus said. Then he turned towards the woman and said to Simon, "Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven - for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little." Then Jesus said to her, "Your sins are forgiven." The other guests began to say among themselves, "Who is this who even forgives sins?" Jesus said to the woman, "Your faith has saved you; go in peace."  (Luke 7)

So many things impress me about this situation that Luke describes...just want to share a few of my thoughts.. :) The situation itself is outrageous. The "woman who had lead a sinful life" was probably a prostitute or something similarly rejected...It is amazing to me how Jesus treats her. To Jesus, it matters whether we love him or not...and what he says to Simon is that the love and affection he has received from this woman is much much greater than all the rest...

I try to picture how the woman was feeling, what she was thinking when she came in. I'm sure she must have felt extremely desperate to see Jesus, to touch him, that she was willing to enter a pharisee's house - a place she was sure to be judged even more than she'd usually be, where she'd be eyed with contempt because she wasn't invited and surely wasn't welcome....So I imagine this meal, a big group of men at the table, having a splendid time with this famous, impressive teacher, and suddenly this filthy girl comes in, unwanted....and he lets her touch him.....it was an absolute break of all cultural or religious rules..
I think it must have taken a totally shattered life for the woman to be willing to do what she was..because she was aware that what she was doing was totally unaccepted, and that even the expensive oil wasn't enough for Jesus, and wouldn't wash her guilt and past away...but SHE saw who Jesus was, so much more than the others at the table..to her, he was worth all her pride, her tears and her kisses..in front of a staring audience.....Then I wonder what Jesus' face was like while he was watching her...what on earth was he thinking and feeling?....all I can see is that he not only let her touch him physically, but on the inside..he was moved by her, her despair, and by her willingness to get on her knees.. He saw that she wanted to run away from the life she had been living..but had no hope to ever be accepted...And Jesus :) he forgives her....he just.forgives.her...I don't know what the woman had done in her life, but she was known as a woman "who had lead a sinful life", apparently years of slapping God in the face......and Jesus knew exactly what she had done, every detail... But God's heart is weak for humans...he sees her, and takes all her imperfection and wrongness away in just one moment. "Your sins are forgiven"....It means You and I are together again :)) I won't remember your mistakes anymore....

I'm afraid that often we take it for granted that Jesus is not a judging God.. We've heard it so often, seen that he treats people so compassionately.......But reading this I realized that Jesus was amazingly strong to be able to forgive like that, although he was hurt by what the woman had done. She was not just a victim in his eyes, but a committer of crimes and foolishness...and still he forgave her :) - that entire life of ignoring him - in just one moment.... I wonder how strong his wish must be to say these words to every single soul who'll let him..."Your faith has saved you...go in peace.."

That is Jesus, he is incomparable.....

When I look at you...

..I've been inspired to write another entry by a song I've been listening to the last couple of days....strangely enough it begins with the line "everybody needs inspiration" - but that isn't the topic I want to go into.. x) The song is called When I look at you.. I'd summarize it by saying it's about the times when everything stops working and we're totally LOST....

Everybody needs inspiration

Everybody needs a song

A beautiful melody

When the night's so long

Cause there is no guarantee

That this life is easy...

When my world is falling apart
When there's no light to break up the dark
That's when I, I
I look at you
When the waves are flooding the shore 
And I can't find my way home anymore
That's when I, I
I look at you 

In a way, this song could be sung to anyone I love, anyone who has the ability and capacity to comfort me, to actually be a light, something that motivates me to keep going until my own strength is back....That's when I LOOK at you....somehow that line has really fascinated me, also the way she sings it...and I wondered for what kind of person this song has been written. What kind of relationship would it have to be for me to really RECEIVE everything I need in a moment of severe despair, just by looking..? Looking isn't speaking or asking for advice, or hugging..it is just absorbing someone's eyes.. I think this must be extremely deep - eyes that pull me back to me feet when I just make contact with them. That can only happen when I know someone extremely well...and more important than that it's bound to be someone who loves me, because comfort can only come from someone who is suffering with you.....

When I look at you I see forgiveness
I see the truth
You love me for who I am
Like the stars hold the moon
Right there where they belong
And I know I'm not alone

When I look at you I see forgiveness.. :) That is really powerful to me. It's more than saying "you have forgiven me" or "you will always forgive me"...it is about identity. How can someone BE forgiveness? To me, this line says You are forgiveness and forgiveness is so high, so much...it is a willingness to love in a sacrificing way, a desire for reconciliation...It is selfless, and wise, and the strongest part of love because it involves being hurt and continuing to love...I see the truth...Sometimes, often enough actually, I really wonder what is the truth? I want to know THE truth. Absolute truth...The truth is as broad and deep and significant as forgiveness, saying I see the truth is like saying I see reality, I see what is and what isn't, and I see myself....it's like I see everything - when I look at you. :)
Let's just say the further I listened to the song, the less any of this existed....

You appear just like a dream to me
Just like kaleidoscope colours 

That cover me, all I need 

Every breath that I breathe 

Don't you know, you're beautiful?…

Everything I need, every breath in my lungs, that is no longer merely about feelings - it is about satisfaction. ALL I need....what an incredible exaggeration if you think about it...x)

But I'm not out to ruin this song....I actually really really love it. :) But here's the thing....my view is that no one can be the one I look at who totally satisfies and heals me when I'm dying inside..no one is enough to be every breath that I breathe - the content and the CONDITION for my existence...that is DEEP, that is a LOT....it's too much. We may project our desires onto others, we might tell them you are everything to me but we know that it's not absolute, we never fully believe it because we can't. We know that it's not even possible.. Even though we may feel we need someone strongly, we'll always need oxygen too, and water, and freedom....space and silence..

Even though this is not a song in ANY way obviously pointing to it, it immediately, probably after the first few lines, made me think of Jesus....Jesus is the one I look at when my world has hit rock bottom. And I've been there, more than once....Throughout, honestly, unbearable moments it turned out that Jesus is the truth, the entire truth....that there is nothing relative about him, he is everybody's desire and everybody's answer. He is my answer too...And that's what's satisfying about him, he is THE answer. :) Without him there would be no air, no lungs, no life, no me, no need to breathe...he is the desire and the satisfaction - the thirst and the stream, the hunger and the food....When I'm losing everything and the most sacred things are breaking - and that happens, day by day by day - he is the way home, he IS home....

For me, it is WORTH my world falling apart - just to see him again, stronger, clearer, as beautiful as he is....he is not a part of life, he IS life.
So if your  world is falling apart, you don't even need to say anything to him, let it be a moment when you just LOOK at him.......

:))

Beloved

His left hand is under my head and His right arm embraces me... ~Song of Songs 2,6

This is my favourite verse from the entire bible :) I know it doesn't look like much.....but to me, it says like..everything. I want to talk to you about a topic that is mostly not talked about this way, brushed aside in most Christian settings because many feel uncomfortable talking about it and because it speaks about our most intimate desires. But I'm starting to find that it's like the most beautiful topic in the world... :)..and that there are no embarrassing desires.

I love this verse because it paints a picture of the relationship between God and me. It shows the way God wants me to see it - as a love relationship. I think the word love means nothing and means everything to us at the same time. We've heard it a zillion times, we're tired of it, it has lost its taste and its meaning. Although everyone and everything is talking about it and circling around it, we somehow think it doesn't work. Because we know TRUE love is unconditional, but we aren't unconditional..So where is the truth to it?

It's ironic to me how people say that the Bible is boring, at the same time listening to the radio, watching TV and thousands of movies, entering and breaking up relationships - all to get a portion and a little taste of love...Love songs, love movies, friendship, secrets and smiles - always and everywhere looking for love...and the Bible is called irrelevant. I have read big parts of it though and I can say - with my brain fully activated :D - that there is NO piece of literature, no movie, no Romeo and Juliet, no source ever or anywhere where you can find this purest, perfect and only worthy definition of love...It has been copied a million times in the craziest, pervert or beautiful versions, but the Bible is and will be the central message that reveals what love is - THAT's why I'd desperately recommend reading it. :) Love is not a concept or a deed...it is a person. GOD is the definition of love. The only logic consequence is that a relationship to him is a relationship to love. And that (already kind of unimaginable for my brain) would equal the most intimate and passionate, most consuming bond that there is.... I think it's important to see that this is what God wants. It's not our invention, our desire to be hugged, to be kissed and caressed and truly, deeply, over and over showered with affection. God himself is the reason for all that, his feelings, his desires....ours are pretty rudimentary compared to his, a shadow, a twisted little version of the first perfect picture...Longing for CLOSENESS is a feature that makes us a lot like him. Added up, all that means that we're allowed, actually we're supposed to see God as a LOVER. Not just the parenting love that covers us with blankets when we're cold or provides a plaster and a tissue when we're bleeding or crying...I mean romantic love.....and I'm not drifting away from the script here.. :) Read Song of Songs for example, you might actually blush and wonder WHAT? This is in the Bible?....Romance is not a human invention, nor an answer to or an outbreak of our uncontrollable drives....romantic love is not filthy...erotic love is completely connected to holiness, to perfectness.. :) It is not the animal in us, it is the very godliness inside us that longs for intimacy - intimacy that goes beyond just a hug...Basically, it all comes down to being a spark of God himself - and that's GOOD, otherwise we'd probably have to feel ashamed about some things... The reason this topic is often covered in shame and feelings of guilt is because the perfection of eros (erotic love in Greek) is - as everything on this earth - mixed with and damaged by our filth....There is a reason that our conscience rings all alarm bells sometimes. Set apart from God, eros in many aspects appears dark and shameful....and therefore is not satisfying. But in itself, it HAS its rightful place and is without question a perfect and beautiful part of creation. God loves unlimited passion :) but it drives him crazy to see us mock and destroy this beauty simply because we don't know how to receive and get the MOST from it... it's not him who wants to keep something from us, it's US who settle with less, taking one part out and devouring it, blind to see that we're robbing ourselves...

The entire message of the Bible is that God wants to be closer to us than any human can EVER be - that includes any situation, any relationship, any physical or emotional contact... Sadly, and fatally, it is often brushed aside that his love is fierce and fighting and jealous....And so after some time we get this picture that God may be an answer to our longing for peace, for comfort and some guidance, or maybe we'll go so far as to say he's a friend..... But when it gets to our REAL desires, our strongest longing - let's say especially in sexual terms, or in terms of real INTIMACY (which is not necessarily physical) - we think THIS is human stuff...and THAT is why we think God does NOT answer everything. But that would mean the Bible to a great extent is playing a nasty trick on us....telling us that God is saying "I can be EVERYTHING to you" but that he actually means EXCEPT for your deepest, profound needs and desires...go hide THEM somewhere else! - you filthy, lustful little human, you.... x)) No.. :) Not at all. If we take the Bible seriously, then apparently he knows about our deepest hopes and wishes and they matter to him, and his desire is to answer those desires.

Here's how his love is portrayed in the prophecy of Hosea:
When I fed them, they were satisfied; when they were satisfied, they became proud; then they forgot me. So I will come upon them like a lion, like a leopard I will lurk by the path. Like a bear robbed of her cubs, I will attack them and tear open the locks of their hearts...

..sounds like a lot of emotions to me. You may think woaah..that is VIOLENT. But see it this way...God isn't in ANY way obliged to care about us. He is so gigantic and perfect in himself that he doesn't in any way need us. Nor does he, sorry to say, need your love. Not an ounce of it. :) The fact that he ever reacted when Israel, his people, left him, that he has given us guidelines to live by, that he breaks in and turns things around is an act of INTENSE, totally undeserved attention. WHY is he even so interested in us, in what we do, in whether we hurt ourselves or not? Why does he care that he goes to all the trouble of correcting us? We usually think Why isn't God helping me? ....Well, why should he? Does it benefit him? - apparently when we're satisfied, we forget him (verse above)... Have you ever read the Bible with the thought in the back of your head that he's not naturally bound to us, that he doesn't HAVE to care if we do things wrong?...You know, the worst thing he could do to us  - and that's the biggest judgement - is turn away his face, stop caring and just let us live the way we want to....but that won't come until the very, very end. Instead, God uses STRENGTH, real effort to win our love.....His love is found in his fury, in his desperate attempts to show us how to live a way that won't keep destroying us. He is compared to a bear whose cubs have been taken away........The fervency in all his actions actually humiliate him - it makes him seem human. But he is not a Zeus that can't control his temper. God shows his temper, his feelings to show us his affection. :) It is an act of humbling himself when he interferes and lets us know that we're running into a disaster. Every bit of anger in him is love. And he is serious about it. When Israel turned away from him, he calls calls it adultery, worshipping idols is prostitution to him...these expressions show that God sees the relationship, the bond to a human being as something really, really serious. He wants to become one with every single human - that is the picture of marriage. God wants you as his partner. :) I think it's INCREDIBLE....and I don't believe it's selfish that God wants the first place in my heart...Thinking about it, it honours me so so strongly that God actually CARES whether I love something or someone as much him. :)) Jealousy - when in the right context - is an evidence of how much you actually matter to someone. "You shall not bow down to them [idols] or serve them, for I the Lord your God am a jealous God..." (Exodus 20,5)..But he is patient and he wrestles with my heart..until I begin to love him... His is the purest and highest affection I have met. :)

At the same time, a relationship to God is not at all easy....as every love relationship there are big challenges. It begins and ends at the fact that God is not human. :) ..Imagine being bonded - as in married - to a gigantic, fire-breathing dragon...a dragon that will protect you and fight for you to the last trail of smoke from its nostrils....so frightfully BIG and unfit for me, and yet terribly in love with me....A relationship would be totally challenging, but it is BEAUTIFUL. :))
 

Finally, I want to add that I am not talking about an imagination or illusion in my head of someone perfect who loves me and therefore makes me euphoric from time to time and helps me to see a point in life. I have never FELT God's kiss...or seen his face the way I have of humans...but I can compare what God gives me - the deep, tasteable way that he does - to what I receive from humans.. And I can say that GOD - no matter how much a human has won my heart - is a thousand times, a million times better.... :))) If God's love was an illusion, I'd be dying of thirst..because once in love with God, you'll start getting rid of your other sources of satisfaction...breathing God instead of oxygen. :) And his love is better than oxygen, better than life...

You, God, are my God, sincerely I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in the holy place, seen your power and your glory. My lips will glorify you because your love is better than life. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. I will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand carries me.. ~Psalm 63, 1-8

Sandpaper

Friends are those rare people who ask how you are and then wait for the answer. ~ author unkown

This post is dedicated to my friend gwen :) (don't worry, I'm not planning on revealing any of your outrageous secrets.) ;)

Life makes us face a lot of challenges and puts burdens on our backs that we don't understand often enough. Sometimes we can make sense of them when looking back...and then we can gladly say yeah, I grew. And sometimes we can't. But the times that I actually understood things when looking back was mostly in relationships. In general, to be honest, it's not that rare for me that when I first meet someone, I don't appreciate them as a new enrichment of my life, I get annoyed by the differences and run to God with a big frown, asking "so..why THIS?" But I've experienced something amazing over and over, that once I begin to SEEK a person's heart actively, I start finding the most beauteous things that I feel like dusting off and keeping.. :) By now I wonder how many people I've passed by without getting to know, convinced that they had nothing to give me. In reality I probably walked past a mine of gold... So I need to believe that God's making sure I don't block off what I'm actually in need of receiving - or of giving...He knows exactly who walks into my life and whose life he puts me in..

I have a way of calling people I truly consider amazing "great humans". And I feel so unspeakably RICH to say the great humans I know just don't even fit into my heart...I have been blessed inconceivably throughout nerve-wrecking circumstances and a pretty chaotic road... Blessed with relationships that have cost me a lot and given me so much more in return.. :) I want to talk about sandpaper friends. Friends who aren't only fun to be around, but inspiring, challenging, and shaping....I don't know if you've ever rubbed your HAND against sandpaper but I guess after some time it'll hurt. I don't think that's a break to the metaphor though. I'm talking about relationships that can cause pain because you're willing to open up, because you choose to keep seeking and wrestling and ultimately loving in spite of all the odds that could make you say "you're crazy" and run off. Some weeks ago, my pastor said "If you don't have problems in your relationships, I'm wondering, what kind of relationships do you have?" I didn't need to think about that for long, I know pretty well that I have problems in my relationships, more than a lot and more than temporary ones. What he said was comforting to me (as you see, I remembered the sentence) because pain and exhaustion doesn't necessarily mean you're taking the wrong road...rather that your soul is being sanded, sanded through ache, into something beautiful. Sandpaper friends are caught in a process of changing, together with you. What's bonding you will always at the same time be what's deeply transforming you, chipping away the rough and harsh, the egoistic and the fearful, bit by bit..creating a magnificent figure from a chunk of unformed rock....

Gwen is a sandpaper friend of that sort. :) I have learned so, so much through talking to her, sharing my life with her and listening to her head and heart. Not only in terms of actually getting my grammar filed, but I've learned things that I know she didn't even intend. My horizon has been expanded not in miles, but in worlds. The more I thought I was giving, the more I actually received...

I want to encourage you all to go in search of sandpaper friends. They may not be the kind of friends you'll share bracelets and pillows and your entire life with, or maybe they will. That is the thing with friends, don't try to categorize them. You will at most recognize them by the trait that they're as different to you as they are the same. There'll be fields of constant wrestling and things on which you couldn't agree more. :) Both the gaping disagreements and the deep-rooted unity have their incomparable beauty and significance. Friends who always agree with you, who never give you the chance to fight against a current, are probably scared of you. Don't go in search of someone who'll never question you... I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better ~Plutarch. Wrestling - in whatever way it occurs - may make your head or your whole life go up in flames from time to time, it may drain your depths and fill you with entirely new ambitions. Allowing others to sand you is letting their universe, their soul virtually collide with yours. There's no chance you won't FEEL the collision, and there's no way you'll stay the same. But growing is the best thing that can happen to us.. :)

You don't need the same convictions or the same favourite colour, that's the stuff friends were made of in kindergarten. The beauty lies in learning to see beyond what you thought was normal....realizing that your normal is Jupiter for someone else. I've learned a lot about myself, come to see what I actually consist of, what I'm lacking and where I'm aching.....nothing can replace all that revelation..

Gwen you are entirely precious to me, in all the facets that you've let me see.. Over and over I stand there, marveling at the Creator's handwriting all over you. :) You are hilariously funny and profoundly deep....I admire you and try to learn from you even when it seems quite clearly out of my reach. ;) I'm happy because I know that our tug-of-wars, changing glances in silence and above all the feeling of being understood and appreciated has shaped me for all that's still to come. I owe you an enormous thank you, for so much more than just putting up with me every day of my life...for wandering off-road with me and helping me to fight the drowning waves of the system. :)) 
I'm grateful to God that I don't have to say "I miss you" yet..

A good friend is a connection to life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world. (:
~Lois Wyse

Is it because you've never seen?

I find it stunning how strongly we rely on our eyes. We cross the street - putting our lives on the line - because we don't see any danger coming. Our eyes are immensely important for survival, our eyesight is our main source of perception. Without our eyes, we'd be caught in nothingness..... Although we know that our eyes play plenty of tricks on us - a mirage in the desert or merely a 3D coordinate system in maths that seems to be bending towards us o.O - we hardly have a better reference to tell us what IS and what ISN'T. What we can see, we believe is there. And what we can't see (unless it's scientifically proved and has some Latin name) is NOT there.

Assuming that life is only a tiny part of our existence and eternity is what we were made for, and assuming that it's true that we need God badly, I find it astonishing that "only" because we can't SEE him, we don't believe in his existence. What an unspeakable risk! - not only in terms of being lost for eternity, but even for our lives here - risking that at one point we'll look back and realize that our lives were nothing because we didn't believe in the one thing that counted. I think most people who don't believe in God reason it by saying "I can't see him"...Although sight is just one of our senses, we're willing to bet everything on it. I wonder, if we saw God, would we still say we doubt him because we couldn't smell him? Why is it that our eyes are the ultimate judge? Especially when it's about something as fatally important as the existence of God.....

Do you think seeing with your eyes creates bigger belief in you than grasping with your heart? Let's be honest, our hearts perceive the deepest and most complex of all things....we know that we can't see love for instance. But when it comes to God, we make our eyes, our deceivable, breakable little body the big referee. I'm wondering....would you consider that wise?

I personally spent most of my life doubting God's existence. I can relate to people who have trouble believing in God 1000x more than to those who've never even THOUGHT about the possibility of doubting him....I always felt like the biggest unbeliever in Christian rounds. I remember asking some girls at a camp "Do you ever question whether God really exists?", their answer was fast and simple: no?. I know what doubt is; genuine, deepest doubt running through every part of me. Doubt or unbelief can be so strong, that believing becomes so......unreal, unreachably far away. Doubt can become the foundation and the content of your life - your identity. Whether it's not believing at all, or simply questioning everything in every detail, doubt can become a way of life.

I want to point out that doubting is a choice. Even when people feel they aren't capable of believing - that's like saying I'm not capable of making my heart beat. Your heart beats on its own. You can BELIEVE without ultimately feeling "able" to. No, you can't "create" belief, or make your faith "grow". :) That is incorrect talk...The trigger is your decision. Those who take God seriously with all their hearts find believing as hard as anyone else. Believing NEVER gets easier. Miracles don't change that. It's a constant battle. But everyone is capable of drawing their sword. Including you. Your ability to believe is there, you just need to let it out of its prison.

Just now I was listening to a song called Blinded Eyes.. One of the last lines is Open your heart, He'll open your eyes. I was thinking about that... You WILL perceive God if you're willing to. Although it sounds so easy, it IS so much about whether you're willing to humble yourself down to saying God, if you exist, come out. But that little request (which is a confession that you're not absolutely sure about things) costs a lot of broken pride....Believe me, I've been there - talking to a wall when you don't know if someone's listening feels...humiliating. Some are kept back by fear. Afraid of getting their hopes up that there IS a reason, an answer, more to life...scared to ultimately be disappointed. That at least is part of my story. But God is mind-blowing. My disappointment again and again is looking back at my tiny expectations. Maybe you don't know which muscle to flex to "open your heart", yeah it sounds a bit abstract. Opening your heart means laying down your defense weapons. You may not be aware of it, but if you don't experience God in your everyday life, you're actively keeping him out, you've closed your eyes or you're holding your ears shut. The best thing you can do is to start looking for the door that you've kept locked - and opening it...because you CAN. :)

7 times 70 times

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked "Lord, how many times should I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered "I tell you, not seven times, but seven times seventy times." - Matthew 18, 21-22 

:) I dunno if you're the kind of person to start a check list to make sure you forgive the people in your life exactly 490 times.... x) what Jesus meant to say is clearer when looking past the numbers - he wants us to never stop forgiving. That is a high, high ambition, especially cuz for me the big battle is not really forgiving the 324th time, but actually, in the heavy cases, the first time. What should I do when I'm convinced I can't forgive at all?

This is a really hard topic. :/ ..and there's no easy answer to it cuz I don't know about you, but I know what it's like to be hurt, to feel deceived, violated, disappointed so badly that forgiving seems the LAST thing coming to my mind. I'm convinced that if God knows anything about us humans, he's aware that forgiving will seem impossible for us in way too many cases to make it 7x70 with everyone. Where should we take this grace from, when we hate someone or something someone has done (or is still doing) so badly?...The Bible says that God won't forgive us our sins if we don't forgive others. I've thought about that many times...and there's this voice inside me saying God, by all means, that is not fair.
But I think we often have a misconception of what forgiveness is. Forgiveness is not the alternative to justice. It actually doesn't even have much to do with the person who hurt me. It's about MY heart, my soul, my restoration. Time can bury wounds under oblivion and dust, but time cannot heal. HEALING means that it's cleansed and repaired. And that can only begin when I choose to forgive. 

Here's why...

When someone hurts us they inevitably leave a mark on us, and that stays. Whenever we see the mark, we're reminded of that person, so basically the person stays with us. The people who've hurt you are locked to you with an invisible chain. You drag them around with you, wherever you go - day and night. Sometimes you can ignore them, other times their presence will drive you insane. Forgiving means tearing that chain apart. Letting the person go. For a moment we might feel that isn't fair because now they're free when they actually deserve an ugly prison. But the truth is that by holding onto their guilt, YOU are in that prison so much more. The moment you forgive, you break the power they've had over you. You are freed...

About the question of not being able to forgive.....I think everyone has that :) this one thing (or maybe more), the corpse down in my depths, my untouchable spot that feels like forgiveness will never have a chance. I know I do...and when I just THINK about "letting go", my stomach turns. I can't. This is MY pain. And I have a RIGHT to hold onto it. I have a right to be angry, to keep my wall built up. I have a right to be suspicious, to never trust again. I have a right to NOT forgive.

I think the I can't is pretty accurate. I can't. You can't. You can't let go of a situation or a person just like that. The ONLY thing that can bring us to the point that we want to let go and let healing in, is when we receive the unbelievable forgiveness for all the crap WE've done. Whoever hasn't met and breathed in the grace of Jesus, HOW do they want to forgive in return? Lots of people think they've forgiven cuz they tell themselves they did and it doesn't really hurt anymore because time has sort of covered it. So why is forgiveness locked to God?.... REAL forgiveness, real healing is only in the hands of the healer. And if time as a healer turns out to be a flop, where will healing come from?..

God knows pretty well that we're incapable of forgiving on our own. That's why he's going to do almost all of it for us. HE wants to break the chain between you and what's hurting you. But, as in all cases, he won't force you to let go of your pain. I think in many cases the fact that we're still hurting is because we aren't WILLING to leave it with God. I have a RIGHT to be hurt now. I am so much like that.. But what changes my heart again and again and makes me capable of forgiving is one intense look at Jesus. God himself...... WHO has the bigger right to destroy everything, to kill us, to pay us back? We have hurt him so, so badly.......we have broken his heart - do you know that? The gigantic paradox is that he NEVER stops forgiving. :) He forgives everything. Do you know what that means? EVERYTHING? Anything a human could commit can be healed because God chose to make this offer unlimited.... :)) God knows that our hearts need forgiveness and that we're in need of forgiving others ourselves. He doesn't want to teach us a hard, cruel lesson. He tells us to forgive because he wants us to HEAL....

To be able to forgive, I need to admit that I HAVE been hurt....God does not expect you to belittle your pain.....That is really really important. Most people run away from the word forgiveness because they think it means saying It wasn't that bad. Or It's fine now, I got over it. You know, GOD is the last person to tell you to get over something and move on. His definition of forgiveness means allowing the pain to BE pain, allowing everything to be real - the anger, the whole depth of the wound. And realizing I HAVE been hurt. The worst thing you can do is deny. God wants you to be honest. He knows the truth... :) Forgiving does not mean you're saying it wasn't bad...or that there won't be any scars and that "everything will be alright"...maybe you'll be scarred for the rest of your life. In some things I think that I will be. But Jesus can start healing me when I hand it to him...and only then. And one day, he will heal EVERYTHING, completely, and forever. :)) Don't believe that by holding onto your pain you can in any way pay your violator back. A false conclusion, you're blocking healing out of your life.... One of Satan's most beloved schemes though - more pain through pain.
Forgiving means giving it to God..... :) THAT is the only thing that will set you free. You can trust him with your pain. Hand it to him, speak it out. Including your hatred, your bitterness, your walls.... God will react. When you choose to forgive, you'll find Jesus getting up before the end, in your place, and demanding justice for you. No one is going to get away with anything... That is why you are FREE to forgive. :)

Healing is not a fairytale, it exists. And it's so close, in your reach. You don't need to feel strong or "ready" to forgive. No one has that strength...God will give you what it takes to make it right.
More than 7 times 70 times...(:

You're all I want, you're all I need, you're Everything

I want to share something with you that has moved me immensely.... (:

For me what it shows is the ultimate and most personal truth that there is.. It is my story........I see myself in it, from the start to the end. And it shakes me more every time because it seems to become more TRUE every time I watch it...

Then watching it I realize that so often I have a totally wrong picture of who God is. The way he appears here probably doesn't even get CLOSE to how he really is....I can see him in this though, I can see him so strongly and it makes me want to throw away every insufficient and screwed up picture that I've held onto.... He is so much better.

Find me here

Speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place
where I find peace, again

You are the strength, that keeps me walking

 You are the hope, that keeps me trusting

 You are the life to my soul

 You are my purpose, you're everything

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest

 You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall

 You still my heart, and you take my breath away

 Would you take me in, take me deeper now?

:) Here: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xawyyz_lifehouse-everything-drama_people

REVENGE

Although we still have all week to write something, I felt really badly like saying something to what we watched in history class today. When I got home just now I felt exhausted....the whole topic won't leave me alone. It keeps coming back - the genocide of the Armenians....Someone tell me, HOW can humans be this cruel?.....I'm lacking the right words.

While I was watching the movie I could barely keep my senses together. I felt like jumping up, doing something, maybe screaming or throwing up, but it felt like the worst and most unbearable option to just sit there, watching and listening to the devastating facts....and knowing there is nothing you can do about it. It has happened. Inside I was screaming to God...but I didn't know what to say. I couldn't ask God to step in and help...And I was pondering on the thought why? WHY did this happen? Does God need to prove to us that we are cruel?.......Whilst watching I felt anger, deepest anger grow inside me. Anger at the world. The stupid injustice. HOW can things be so disgusting, so revolting, so......unspeakably rotten and wrong?!.....Why are humans SO, SO STUPID? These are the moments I could start hating man...

This afternoon I sat down at the piano and I wanted to play something...I leafed through the music books that I have...and suddenly I felt so ashamed. So embarrassed that we sing the songs that the wealthy, healthy, carefree Christians of the West have written, without a CLUE of the suffering on this earth. And I felt like not singing anything anymore.....Justice....WHERE in the world is justice?...What made me angry too was the thought that I don't even have a right to hate those who do such incomprehensibly cruel deeds....I feel a wall of frustration rising up and I need to release it on someone who deserves it. I bet you know this feeling - the wish for revenge. Because revenge is the brother of justice. And God knows that better than we all do.

When we hear revenge we so quickly put it in the same drawer as doing wrong, impatience, aggression, evil. And that is true in one sense. God clearly says that WE are NOT meant to take revenge on others. But not for the sake of evil to continue knuckling earth down....God has reasons, and they are wise (one look at the world and we can all agree that WE are not wise..) The reason we're not supposed to take revenge on others is for the sake of JUSTICE. Because revenge WILL come. HE will bring justice to all the injustice, the pain, the quarrel, the unspeakable suffering on this earth. Justice is PROMISED to us. It is prophecied. Which means, judgement will come. Relief. The satisfaction for our body and minds - which are constantly screaming for it....we WANT justice. The fact that life is unfair drives us insane...

I have to tell you, the moments I see cruelty as horrid as today, it COMFORTS me to know that God will take revenge and set things right. The day of perfect justice is sure to come. Because the perfect one himself will be the judge. And yes, there will be mercy...but only if a price high enough was payed. There won't be one deed, one hurt that will not be payed for. There will, FINALLY, be no "getting away" - not with ANYTHING. Every time you've been hurt, it will be revenged...... :))

This is one of my favourite verses in the Bible:

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favour and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair... Isaiah 61, 1-3

In the Bible revenge (or vengeance) itself is put so close to comfort. The Lord's revenge IS our only comfort...

 

There's a song based on this verse...It is one of the BEST songs for my life...:) It is my hope, in all this CRAP that we are confronted with... That he is coming. And he WILL SET THINGS RIGHT.

Friendship

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one." 

― C.S. Lewis

Somehow I thought I was gonna write about this topic way later....because I seriously don't even know where to begin when it comes to friendship....But although my thoughts on this are thoroughly incomplete, I want to share what I've learned because, no way around it, friends are so immensely important, somewhat as is oxygen....

Over the past years, actually during my entire life, friends have had great importance to me. I always had the feeling I had a lot friends - that is, people who liked me and that I liked in return. But I never felt understood enough to actually open up. The older I got, the more I really wanted to have a deep relationship to someone but there was no one who I thought was like that. Wandering off alone however, isn't especially attractive or even bearable for long either - and I've been there.... I got to the point that I was convinced, and I had accepted that I didn't have a friend and that I didn't need one either. I mean, yeah, I'm alone, that's cool.

I want to talk to you about two aspects that have become crucial for me in friendship - the first is freedom and the second is depth. :) I believe these are the two traits that mark genuine friendship - friendship that has a chance to survive, and above that, the potential to bless your life.... :)

Freedom

I've observed that we follow a fatal misconception - the belief that whatever we find beautiful, we must OWN. When we see a beautiful flower we want to pick it, when we come across a pretty shell at the seaside we have to take it home with us, when we're watching a magnificent sunset we start rummaging for our camera in order to capture it.... Possessing the beauty we see is so important for us that we forget that by trying to find the camera, we miss the sunset, by taking the shell home we take a part of the beach away and by picking the flower, it dies.......We learn to live this way and we can't turn it off when it comes to people. I should add to the list and when we meet someone we love we need to keep them.

That is the way it works. I remember when I was a kid it was a CRUCIAL and totally serious question to ask Do you want to be my friend? or Are you my friend? and then at some point we got to You are my BEST friend. :) I was watching the primary school kids rush up the stairs some days ago. There was a little girl who stood waiting at the side and when I entered the building she stretched out her arm while another girl pushed past me to grab hold of her outstretched hand. Then, wordlessly, the girls squeezed their way up the stairs, cuddled up in something like an embrace.... Best friends. You can tell from miles away. They wait for each other, they have their codex. They "belong" to each other and man it's SEVERE - you must be true to your best friend.

Children have an authentic way of showing us how we all work. Since relationships are the most precious thing we have, it doesn't take much for us to start wanting to possess each other. And facing the truth, in many cases it's not primarily about wanting someone to share your life with or someone you can always count on....it's about exercising power and feeding myself. The moment you have a friend locked up in your ties, you have something to build your confidence on, you have someone to control.

I'm not judging the world here, I'm merely examining myself. :) I am a person who was always looking for the one friend. I wanted someone to share my secrets and to fight my way through life with. We all want that. But I've come to the point that I no longer see the whole concept of being best friends as such a wonderful construction. Firstly, I think it's unnecessary to categorize your friends into first-, second- and third-best. I am not against intimate relationships, against closeness - at all. But I see a gigantic potential for damage in having that one friend who "belongs to me", who is my trophy, my showpiece, the one I give a title to. If you can't be happy without your friend, you can't be happy with them either.... (same goes for any love relationship) I'm convinced that we were not made for belonging to - as in being possessed by - another human being. In fact, it is extremely harmful. We destroy the root of friendship itself. For friendship to BE friendship it needs freedom - unless you say friendship has nothing to do to with loving...

Freedom in this case is not optional. Allowing freedom to have room in a relationship is a sign of trust, it means honouring the other person. We so often think clinging on even tighter is a sign of affection. But it is merely an evidence of selfishness. Instead of lengthening the leash and thinking I am oh so liberal and trusting, I need to put the leash away completely. And yes, it can be hard. Because we want stability, a guarantee that we won't be abandoned or replaced. But love cannot grow if it's kept on a leash, much more will it break out as soon as there is an opportunity.... I don't mean that we can't love anyone more than others - of COURSE that will happen. :) And it's beautiful to have friends who are closer to your heart than the crowd of other people. The question we should never stop asking is: Is FREEDOM a foundation in my relationships - no matter how close we get? Are we able to live without each other, but stay because we choose to? And do I allow my friends to have other relationships to receive what I can't give..?

Depth

I think the quotation that I put at the top of my entry already says a lot about depth. :) A friend is someone who understands us. Someone who shares interests isn't immediately a friend, someone I spend a lot of time with - like my teachers for example, or my siblings - isn't immediately a friend. A friend is someone who - in some way - can relate to me, and that bonds us. We have to be careful though: even the closest friend will never completely understand. That's a totally unrealistic expectation or assumption... The good news is, no friend has to fill everything inside us. :) Projecting all our hopes, all our needs and longings onto one person is the predictable end of it all. No one can carry or fulfill that - at least no human. :) So kiss that illusion goodbye... Friends are as much and as little as a foretaste of heaven.

Depth. I used to think the world is parted into superficial people and deep people. But I've learned better - everyone is so, so incredibly deep. Some however, cannot express it, others don't have access to their depths, and many are afraid of showing it.... I think relationships have become so shallow in general because everyone is afraid of getting hurt. But without depth, there is no friendship. Choosing to go deep with someone means making yourself vulnerable. And I've learned that there's no way around it. Getting hurt is not only an unavoidable part of life, it actually means putting a BREAK to the endless cycle, the chain-reaction of humanity hurting itself. The root of all our painful clashes is - as ironic as it sounds - our desperate attempt to protect ourselves. People don't hurt each other because they WANT to - at least not when they love each other. We hurt each other because we are scared to get hurt ourselves....

The well-known sentence that Jesus said about not slapping back, but turning the other cheek has a deep, yet paradox-sounding wisdom to it. The aim is not to get beat up. x) The aim is to ultimately destroy pain. Jesus knew the truth - that doing wrong cannot be diminished by doing wrong. Evil, pain, wrongness can only be wiped out from earth when it is not spat back out. When someone hits me in the face I have three options - hitting back, running away and hiding, or standing firm and letting them hit me again if they choose to. By slapping back I contribute to the ugliness of the world. Although it seems like justice at that moment, what it is, is revenge. And taking revenge means nothing other than letting the ugliness that I'm met with gain power over ME as well. Running away is hardly better. I build up a wall that will - before I know it - hurt the next person who tries to get close to me because I will meet them with bitterness and suspicion. Only by standing there and enduring the assault, I open a door for reconciliation. If I'm not willing to get hurt, I choose the only other option - to hurt others myself. None of the two seems attractive, this is a fallen world. The question is whether you're willing to choose the harder, but beautiful road. Beautiful because you will gain beauty :) - every time you refuse to let ugliness win you. The willingness to suffer for the sake of love is absolutely radiating and we perceive it as immensely beautiful.
I have to say I've been blessed so much by opening up to people - which sometimes means standing there and letting someone (unintentionally) trample over your soul. Sometimes it feels like a gigantic sacrifice....Of course you need to be wise in deciding with whom you share what. But only depth eventually becomes love. And I would never trade my friendships for superficial, scared-to-get-hurt relationships. Even though yes, I get hurt and it can hurt badly...

Friends are here to walk life's path with us for a certain amount of the way. They are here to keep reminding us that there IS love and fulfillment - but deeper and so much greater than we can ever see in each other... :) It's vital to remember that our friends don't belong to us. That they are a GIFT that none of us could have deserved.. And it is wisdom to be willing to get hurt...it means replacing my part of the darkness in the world with LIGHT. (:

C.S. Lewis once more: Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival. :)

Obsession

But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it. Matthew 7,14

I want to talk to you about relationship to God. :) Relationship is only possible when two sides are involved. An active me and an active other person. Maybe there's a general opinion that there is no active God - at most an active me trying to please a passive Watcher - thus relationship with God is not possible. So the question is HOW can a relationship to God work?

If you're viewing the relationship to God thing with a raised brow of skepticism or maybe a frustrated heart, you've found a companion in me. :) I mean, we're supposed to expect more from God than from ANYTHING else, at the same time HE seems so invisible, so far off, quieter and more subtle than anything. Bottom line: it can drive you mad.

I think it's essential to say the picture you have of who God is determines your relationship to him. If you think he's irrelevant, to a great extent he will be irrelevant in your life. It's your choice to give him room or to lock him out. That doesn't mean he depends on what you make of him. But he respects a shut door. Respects, but not ultimately accepts....he is permanently trying to win our hearts - and that doesn't stop once we've opened ourselves to him. I revealed myself to those who did not ask for me; I was ready to be found by those who did not seek me. To a nation that did not call on my name, I said, 'Here I am, here I am.' All day long I have held out my hands to a stubborn nation, who walk in ways not good, following their own imaginations. (Isaiah 65,1-3) God stretches out to us even when we couldn't care less. But the picture you carry in your heart, the conviction you hold to WILL have an impact on how open your eyes are to SEE his attempts to win your attention.

What can I do with my obsession -
With the things I cannot see?
It's a madness in my being...

I was listening to the song Obsession some days ago and it caught my attention. What can I do with my obsession? It is true, we all carry this obsession. The subtle thought that rules everything we do: Who or what can I give myself to? Although we think that what we do is decide, lead, rule - what we're doing in reality, everyday is bowing down and worshiping. There is nothing else we can do. We give ourselves away to people, to our convictions, to what we enjoy or to what we hate. We couldn't stand existence without a subject to adore....Power doesn't satisfy us. Wealth doesn't. Not even the affection we get....

Only giving ourselves away does.

There's nothing wrong with giving yourself away. It is our inmost being. It is US. But there is something fundamentally wrong with giving yourself away to emptiness. To nothingness. To things that don't fill you in return. Because the result is disastrous: the more you give yourself away to what DOESN'T fill you, the less will you be ABLE to give yourself for what gives you life - the less will you even be able to see what is truth and what isn't. And suddenly meaning and pointlessness all becomes the same colour.....

Living in a relationship with God may seem like an abstract term although we know what relationship is. :) We live it, experience it, fight over it every day. The one difference here is of course that God isn't exactly a human being. But many aspects of relationship between humans can be applied to the relationship with God, because we are similar to him, in many ways. God wants intimacy with us. God wants to talk to us, he wants us to negotiate with him.. Worshiping God is a way that you choose to live. A life that you choose instead of worshiping sports or worshiping knowledge - anything else you could possibly choose is worshiping yourself. Walking for God is walking the narrow path. The path is hard. You might think that's an excuse cuz Christians never experience God, suffering under the silence, the doubts whether he even exists - and then saying ohh man, it's so hard! No, I'd say what's hard is that you inevitably DO experience God and you'll end up seeing him turn everything inside-out and there'll be moments you won't know how to handle it anymore.

God speaks.
Once you let him in, he'll walk with you through every room of your heart, every room of your life. He'll start healing what's shattered and restoring what's broken. He'll start working with you on your weaknesses, your addictions. He'll ask you to hand them to him and to let go, because he wants to set you free from what this world wants to chain you with. So if the Son sets you free, you will truly be free. (John 8,36) One aspect of the relationship is trusting God, unconditionally. Another is hearing his voice and following it. He'll lead you to people who need him desperately and once God has set you free, you'll want those you see in chains to be set free too....In many cases they won't want to come, clinging to their scars, screaming and kicking when you try to drag them...because people are TERRIFIED of meeting their creator. Lies about him have unconsciously taken hold of us. And the picture that many have of GOD looks remarkably similar to Satan's hideous face.

Sometimes the things God says are vague and you'll only have an impression, a strong inner urge to do something. That can be God's voice. God can also speak through other people. I was at a prayer weekend in Frankfurt about 2 years ago. I joined a "listening to God speak" workshop where the others (who I didn't know) prayed for me and then listened for a few minutes to hear if God had something to say to me through them. After that they shared their impressions, one girl had received a rather strange picture and said she really didn't know if it was from God so she was reluctant to tell it. Eventually she told me that she had seen two people jumping at a beach....everyone kind of giggled but it struck me because I knew exactly what it meant. I knew that it was a word from God right into my situation - amazingly through someone who knew nothing about me but my name.

Sometimes God speaks through songs, through movies, through books...God speaks very strongly through the Bible. Once I was reading the Psalms and just about to start a reeeally long one that stretches over about 3 pages and I didn't at all feel like reading it, so I just didn't read anything that day.. x) nor the next....A few days later I found myself in some pretty big relationship problems and when I couldn't take it any longer I grabbed my Bible because I NEEDED to hear God's voice...I started reading that endless Psalm, thinking man, this is gonna be fail.....what happened was what I read STRUCK me in a way no Bible passage ever had. Basically I dissolved reading it. I devoured it in just a few minutes and burst into tears.. I think I sat there crying for like an hour - not cuz I was emotionally unstable at that point, but because GOD had met me. It was so intense that I couldn't keep my senses together anymore... That moment he put my entire attention off my heart and my world and my pain, onto his heart. I couldn't even feel my pain anymore because he was letting me experience a moment of HIS gigantic pain towards humanity....a weight overcame me that was greater than any weight I had felt before. Since then it hasn't let go of me - the shattering reality of GOD's immense suffering....

God speaks in many ways. A reason why we think nothing gets to us is that we talk most of the time, that we don't ever really listen. Or that we expect us to feel him, as an emotion - and turn away disappointed when we don't burst into tears or faint to the ground. God doesn't let us manipulate him - there's nothing we can do to earn an encounter with him. :) But he wants to meet us, he wants to be close to us. Emotions are often a result of feeling God's touch - but his presence itself is not an emotion. It's a dimension that goes way beyond the physics of our body or the intelligence of our brains - and yet we can perceive it because we were MADE for unity with God. And we haven't lost that ability.

At times, God speaks to me almost audibly... I can hold dialogues with him because I can "hear" him answer immediately. I can't really describe what his voice is like. It just....OVERWHELMS me every time.....The words he says are so utterly different from what I'd expect "the God I know" to say. Sometimes he asks me questions...once he asked me Do you see me? It made me smile and I answered x) No....Then he told me he was sitting at the end of my bed, and he asked me if I knew what he was doing....I said no again. And he said I am crying....

God is the craziest CRAZIEST person ever... There is NOTHING better in life than experiencing him. :) ...But sometimes, I have to add, I don't hear a thing. Even in the moments that I feel I'll DIE if I don't hear him now....and I don't understand that. God reveals himself when HIS time is right. And God's time and God's WAY of appearing is often different from what we expect. So be on the lookout. :)

Sometimes we can SEE God... When I was a child I was tortured by severe nightmares, even when my parents prayed for me, sleeping was dreadful. But at some point, night by night in the worst parts of my dreams, an angel would appear and tell me that I was just dreaming.... Once - recently - I saw God's face, well not really his entire face... I was talking to him, wanting desperately to explain my situation to him cuz I was driven by the feeling that he didn't understand - and suddenly there was a BREAK. It was like something in the atmosphere drastically changed, like someone pouring a bucket of ice cold water over me for a SPLIT second - and I saw his eyes, just his eyes... and it wasn't even about seeing his EYES, I can't even say I know how they looked, but I saw the LOOK in his eyes, his expression... :)) I saw the WAY he was looking at me...and I HAVE NEVER seen ANYONE look at me that way.......I broke off in the middle of my sentence, unable to do ANYTHING, I just froze, it totally took me away... I had never seen a look that ************ before.... God is not describable. And the way he meets us is not describable. I wish I could make words for it though... He has the most understanding, the most BEAUTIFUL eyes you can imagine.......
And I am desperate. The more I hear his voice or see of him, see how he ACTS towards me.. the more I NEED him....He is the most severe ADDICTION.....and the only addiction that has set me free.
We all carry the desire to worship God, worshiping God means meeting him...and I want to encourage you to EXPECT him, to be open to hear him, to see him, so he can step in when his time is right. Ask him to meet you.... :) And don't believe the lie that he doesn't want to meet you. Don't believe the lie that you need to change first to meet God. Meeting God will change you. And the reason you're still here is that he's not through with you yet.... :)

Gold and Dust

A few posts back, I wrote You matter more than you deserve or more than you SHOULD and I'll get back to that - so I'm getting back to that. :)

What am I worth?

I doubt that ethics can answer that. Nor can science. Science tells me what substances I'm made of, how my body works, how I'm put together and how I came to be, biologically. That is amazing! :) - the insight science gives us is incredible....but it doesn't sufficiently answer the question that penetrates us maybe all our lives: Who am I?

Some people - especially believers - tend to go for the quick, easy (and thus highly aggravating) answers. Empty words that don't really make an identity, more like already provide a whole check-list of things you're obliged to do now that you know who you are. It isn't an easy question. But I think it's important to look at in in depth. Because the question itself comes from our depths. We don't need it answered to physically survive, but we thirst for an answer to somehow make our life inside. And everyone answers this question - even when saying I don't really know. You've got a concept in your head of who you are.

I am a coincidence.

I am precious.

I am a miracle.

I am a mistake.

I am here because nature put me together.

I am here for a reason....

Some answers may seem more attractive, some more putting off than others. But there is an answer that everyone finds for themselves. Even when it's not really satisfying.... 

Let us love him, because he has loved us first. 1st John 4,19

I am convinced (and science even supports this) to have a stable identity or an identity at all, a human being needs to know that they're loved. The problem is that there is no actual love on earth. Friends, family, wherever you turn - love breaks. All the time.. among people of all beliefs, of the most exemplary behaviour.... Somehow love, the way we wish it was, doesn't get to us. And what's worse, as a natural result, so many feel unloved. They don't see any real love coming their way. At least not the way or the AMOUNT they feel they need... I know that feeling to be honest....relationships can be SO unsatisfying. Judging only by what we see and experience in life, I guess it's true that we all are very unloved. Not objectively. Sure, we have friends and yeah, people care about us. But it's not enough. And it's not selfish or demanding to say I don't get enough love...actually....of course you don't. Only a tiny part of what you are able to receive is ever touched

- and we all feel that.

To be confident, to know who you are, you need to be SURE that you are loved with a love BIGGER than the emptiness inside you.

The question who am I? has many answers, but it can also be answered in few words with the greatest impact.

You are God's creation.

You are not an accident, nor a coincidence. Whether your parents wanted you or not, whether you have a handicap or not, whether you wanted yourself or not.... That doesn't change who you are. Because YOU my friend do not define who you are. :) And neither does any other person in your life. We LET others define us. And then we degrade ourselves down to mere nature.... I am nothing but nature.

That is actually where our acquaintance Satan comes in. God invents and shapes the heavens and the earth, the universe and every living and non-living thing in it....including us humans. We are the most precious part of creation - that's what God himself says. According to GOD, you aren't replaceable. But before you even hear that truth that makes up your identity and the foundation for everything you're gonna do and feel in life, you soak up the disgusting, permeating lies. Since Satan finds many ways and happens to be pretty smart, he makes us believe that it's actually our PRIDE that made us come up with the theory that we have WORTH, that we have DIGNITY, that we are here for a reason and have a HOPE for restoration. Yes, these statements DO fit our ego well :) but what doesn't fit is the core of this - which is often left out. That we are not precious because of who we are. You are not precious because of yourself. In yourself. You are a pile of dirt, breathing in a few years and out a few, and then going back to being dirt. The Bible doesn't deny it - As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. (Psalm 103, 15-16)
Amazing identity.
At the same time - and that is the striking counterpart - you are precious for the one who made you. AND what might sort of burst our thinking is that what gives us worth in God's eyes, what makes us loveable in God's eyes is not found in US. (yeah, highly confusing but that is important!) Your worth is only ever in HIM......The result is: without him, I cannot see my worth. But with him, my inside begins to heal, begins to understand that I am as much as HE tells me I am... The thing is, it has NOTHING to do with YOU, you can neither be proud of it, nor could you - by anything you do - change it...

I think that is AWESOME.. :))

Who I am is locked up and defined in someone else....in someone who never changes. In someone who is eternally perfect. It's as if the truth was that your  weight has nothing to do with how much you weigh, it is forever solely defined by the weight of Mount Everest, which weighs 162 trillion kilos. ...It is the mystery of the bond between God and the humans he created in his image - we not only depend on him to give us meaning and LIFE, we depend on him to even BE something.... Another point: about being precious, it does NOT only apply to you once you are in contact with God. No, that is something God gave to you the moment he thought of you. You have a treasure :) that no one can ever conquer or bring down, because it's safe. Your worth is everlasting and safe. God is the only true source of confidence. We have been loved, even before we drew our first breath...... You haven't existed ONE moment in which you were not loved beyond comprehension. That makes you precious. The LOVE poured out on you. Whether you open your arms to receive it, or not......it is poured out.

HOW this love is possible, I never understood... no, I don't know why God loves me so much. In our world things need a corresponding countervalue to actually HAVE worth....but YOU don't have that countervalue. It is in God and God alone, he stands above our financial rules and ways of thinking. :) You don't NEED a countervalue... If God speaks just one word, it is spoken, unchangeable TRUTH - because of who the speaker is. If he declares
I have loved you with an everlasting love Jeremiah 31, 3
no force in heaven or earth can shake it.
I always wanted to know what God loved about me.. I couldn't ACCEPT his love because I couldn't grasp his motives. That was because I was looking for the reasons inside me.... And I couldn't find it. But I've realized :) that everything loveable about me is HIM....That's the part of the Bible people have big trouble handling. The entire Bible. The single message of God screaming I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!.....but our hearts don't want to hear it cuz we look at ourselves and see dirt......and it does.not.make.sense.