Friendship

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one." 

― C.S. Lewis

Somehow I thought I was gonna write about this topic way later....because I seriously don't even know where to begin when it comes to friendship....But although my thoughts on this are thoroughly incomplete, I want to share what I've learned because, no way around it, friends are so immensely important, somewhat as is oxygen....

Over the past years, actually during my entire life, friends have had great importance to me. I always had the feeling I had a lot friends - that is, people who liked me and that I liked in return. But I never felt understood enough to actually open up. The older I got, the more I really wanted to have a deep relationship to someone but there was no one who I thought was like that. Wandering off alone however, isn't especially attractive or even bearable for long either - and I've been there.... I got to the point that I was convinced, and I had accepted that I didn't have a friend and that I didn't need one either. I mean, yeah, I'm alone, that's cool.

I want to talk to you about two aspects that have become crucial for me in friendship - the first is freedom and the second is depth. :) I believe these are the two traits that mark genuine friendship - friendship that has a chance to survive, and above that, the potential to bless your life.... :)

Freedom

I've observed that we follow a fatal misconception - the belief that whatever we find beautiful, we must OWN. When we see a beautiful flower we want to pick it, when we come across a pretty shell at the seaside we have to take it home with us, when we're watching a magnificent sunset we start rummaging for our camera in order to capture it.... Possessing the beauty we see is so important for us that we forget that by trying to find the camera, we miss the sunset, by taking the shell home we take a part of the beach away and by picking the flower, it dies.......We learn to live this way and we can't turn it off when it comes to people. I should add to the list and when we meet someone we love we need to keep them.

That is the way it works. I remember when I was a kid it was a CRUCIAL and totally serious question to ask Do you want to be my friend? or Are you my friend? and then at some point we got to You are my BEST friend. :) I was watching the primary school kids rush up the stairs some days ago. There was a little girl who stood waiting at the side and when I entered the building she stretched out her arm while another girl pushed past me to grab hold of her outstretched hand. Then, wordlessly, the girls squeezed their way up the stairs, cuddled up in something like an embrace.... Best friends. You can tell from miles away. They wait for each other, they have their codex. They "belong" to each other and man it's SEVERE - you must be true to your best friend.

Children have an authentic way of showing us how we all work. Since relationships are the most precious thing we have, it doesn't take much for us to start wanting to possess each other. And facing the truth, in many cases it's not primarily about wanting someone to share your life with or someone you can always count on....it's about exercising power and feeding myself. The moment you have a friend locked up in your ties, you have something to build your confidence on, you have someone to control.

I'm not judging the world here, I'm merely examining myself. :) I am a person who was always looking for the one friend. I wanted someone to share my secrets and to fight my way through life with. We all want that. But I've come to the point that I no longer see the whole concept of being best friends as such a wonderful construction. Firstly, I think it's unnecessary to categorize your friends into first-, second- and third-best. I am not against intimate relationships, against closeness - at all. But I see a gigantic potential for damage in having that one friend who "belongs to me", who is my trophy, my showpiece, the one I give a title to. If you can't be happy without your friend, you can't be happy with them either.... (same goes for any love relationship) I'm convinced that we were not made for belonging to - as in being possessed by - another human being. In fact, it is extremely harmful. We destroy the root of friendship itself. For friendship to BE friendship it needs freedom - unless you say friendship has nothing to do to with loving...

Freedom in this case is not optional. Allowing freedom to have room in a relationship is a sign of trust, it means honouring the other person. We so often think clinging on even tighter is a sign of affection. But it is merely an evidence of selfishness. Instead of lengthening the leash and thinking I am oh so liberal and trusting, I need to put the leash away completely. And yes, it can be hard. Because we want stability, a guarantee that we won't be abandoned or replaced. But love cannot grow if it's kept on a leash, much more will it break out as soon as there is an opportunity.... I don't mean that we can't love anyone more than others - of COURSE that will happen. :) And it's beautiful to have friends who are closer to your heart than the crowd of other people. The question we should never stop asking is: Is FREEDOM a foundation in my relationships - no matter how close we get? Are we able to live without each other, but stay because we choose to? And do I allow my friends to have other relationships to receive what I can't give..?

Depth

I think the quotation that I put at the top of my entry already says a lot about depth. :) A friend is someone who understands us. Someone who shares interests isn't immediately a friend, someone I spend a lot of time with - like my teachers for example, or my siblings - isn't immediately a friend. A friend is someone who - in some way - can relate to me, and that bonds us. We have to be careful though: even the closest friend will never completely understand. That's a totally unrealistic expectation or assumption... The good news is, no friend has to fill everything inside us. :) Projecting all our hopes, all our needs and longings onto one person is the predictable end of it all. No one can carry or fulfill that - at least no human. :) So kiss that illusion goodbye... Friends are as much and as little as a foretaste of heaven.

Depth. I used to think the world is parted into superficial people and deep people. But I've learned better - everyone is so, so incredibly deep. Some however, cannot express it, others don't have access to their depths, and many are afraid of showing it.... I think relationships have become so shallow in general because everyone is afraid of getting hurt. But without depth, there is no friendship. Choosing to go deep with someone means making yourself vulnerable. And I've learned that there's no way around it. Getting hurt is not only an unavoidable part of life, it actually means putting a BREAK to the endless cycle, the chain-reaction of humanity hurting itself. The root of all our painful clashes is - as ironic as it sounds - our desperate attempt to protect ourselves. People don't hurt each other because they WANT to - at least not when they love each other. We hurt each other because we are scared to get hurt ourselves....

The well-known sentence that Jesus said about not slapping back, but turning the other cheek has a deep, yet paradox-sounding wisdom to it. The aim is not to get beat up. x) The aim is to ultimately destroy pain. Jesus knew the truth - that doing wrong cannot be diminished by doing wrong. Evil, pain, wrongness can only be wiped out from earth when it is not spat back out. When someone hits me in the face I have three options - hitting back, running away and hiding, or standing firm and letting them hit me again if they choose to. By slapping back I contribute to the ugliness of the world. Although it seems like justice at that moment, what it is, is revenge. And taking revenge means nothing other than letting the ugliness that I'm met with gain power over ME as well. Running away is hardly better. I build up a wall that will - before I know it - hurt the next person who tries to get close to me because I will meet them with bitterness and suspicion. Only by standing there and enduring the assault, I open a door for reconciliation. If I'm not willing to get hurt, I choose the only other option - to hurt others myself. None of the two seems attractive, this is a fallen world. The question is whether you're willing to choose the harder, but beautiful road. Beautiful because you will gain beauty :) - every time you refuse to let ugliness win you. The willingness to suffer for the sake of love is absolutely radiating and we perceive it as immensely beautiful.
I have to say I've been blessed so much by opening up to people - which sometimes means standing there and letting someone (unintentionally) trample over your soul. Sometimes it feels like a gigantic sacrifice....Of course you need to be wise in deciding with whom you share what. But only depth eventually becomes love. And I would never trade my friendships for superficial, scared-to-get-hurt relationships. Even though yes, I get hurt and it can hurt badly...

Friends are here to walk life's path with us for a certain amount of the way. They are here to keep reminding us that there IS love and fulfillment - but deeper and so much greater than we can ever see in each other... :) It's vital to remember that our friends don't belong to us. That they are a GIFT that none of us could have deserved.. And it is wisdom to be willing to get hurt...it means replacing my part of the darkness in the world with LIGHT. (:

C.S. Lewis once more: Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival. :)